Get ready to jizz your pants, Twitards

30 Jun

One pop-culture phenomenon I hate, you ask? Easy. “Twilight.”

I like Robert Pattinson a lot; aside from “Twilight.” His other films actually show his ability to act…& not to mention, he carries a tune like a songbird. I can’t hate on him. & as much as Kristen Stewart’s “my life is so hard” attitude annoys the ever-living shit out of me, I can’t hate on her too much either. She did a pretty okay job covering “Angel from Montgomery” during her role in “Into the Wild.” & also, I like her new hair color….

Anyway, the new Twilight movie, “Eclipse,” comes out today. Will I see it? Probably not. But this gives me the perfect opportunity to present you with the creepiest Twilight merchandise for purchase. & yes, gays & girls- you’ll be happy to know you can rub your privates all over Edward Cullen’s face if you really want to.

01. Bella’s engagement ring

How much do you want to bet this marriage is going to fail if the Twitard fiancee or the closeted gay man giving this to his fiancee actually wants this as their engagement ring?

02. Edward Cullen silhouette wall decal

…because everyone knows having a shadowed man lurking in the corner of your bedroom watching you sleep is sexy.

03. Twilight dolls

You’re an idiot if you think 7 year old girls are the ones buying these to play with in their Barbie dream house. $100 says women between the ages of 18-35 are the ones spending the most money on Twilight dolls & shoving them in their dream houses…better known as their vaginas.

04. Edward Cullen shower curtain

Cos what’s hotter than a floating head watching you take a shit?

05. Edward Cullen panties

Granted, these were custom made…but I guarantee you they are for sale somewhere on the internet. I don’t even feel like I have to explain why this is creepy or why the girl (or gay man) wearing these probably won’t be getting laid once these are made visable…unless it’s really dark or their partner is really drunk/was slipped a roofie.

06. Twilight body shimmer

I pray to God every night that one day I actually see a man purchasing this.

07. Twilight bandages

Now, this isn’t so much creepy as it is ironic…right?

08. Twilight Condoms

If my boyfriend ever came over to my house & pulled out a “Twilight” condom, our relationship would be over in less than 3 seconds.

09. The Vamp

I saved the best for last. The Twilight dildo. Yes- dildo. It even sparkles in the sunlight. Am I kidding? Absolutely not. What else does it do?, you might ask. According to the product description: “The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.” I have no words.

…you’re welcome.

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One Response to “Get ready to jizz your pants, Twitards”

  1. Lynn 06/30/2010 at 9:43 am #

    Do you think the Twilight condom has two holes in it so you can have your very own Renesmee!?!

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